Table of Contents for Let's Pretend This Never Happened : A Mostly True Memoir


Introduction 1(2)
I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist
3(6)
My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine
9(13)
Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel
22(8)
Don't Tell Your Parents
30(7)
Jenkins, You Motherfucker
37(9)
If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices
46(12)
Draw Me a Fucking Dog
58(12)
And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever
70(9)
No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette
79(4)
Just Your Average Engagement Story
83(5)
It Wasn't Stew
88(7)
Married on the Fourth of July
95(5)
There's No Place like Home
100(5)
A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week
105(6)
The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know
111(14)
If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far
125(9)
My Vagina Is Fine Thanks for Asking
134(6)
Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time
140(6)
And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer
146(18)
Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus
164(5)
Making Friends with Girls
169(22)
I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains)
191(10)
The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door
201(8)
An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room
209(3)
Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats
212(9)
Stabbed by Chicken
221(17)
It Wasn't Even My Crack
238(9)
Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Parts Days
247(11)
I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest
258(19)
And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles
277(5)
Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only
282(5)
And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane
287(10)
You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)
297(10)
Epilogue 307(2)
The End (Sort of) 309(6)
True Facts 315(2)
Acknowledgments 317