Excerpts for Hollywood Said No! : Orphaned Film Scripts, Bastard Scenes, and Abandoned Darlings from the Creators of Mr. Show


Hollywood Said No!

Orphaned Film Scripts, Bastard Scenes, and Abandoned Darlings from the Creators of Mr. Show


By David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Posehn

Grand Central Publishing

Copyright © 2013 David Cross Bob Odenkirk Brian Posehn
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4555-2630-7


CHAPTER 1

BOB AND DAVID MAKE A MOVIE

by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn

First draft on August 4th, 2003


ANIMATED WARNINGS

MUSIC: Upbeat fanfare throughout

NOTE: This opening piece is animated with cheap computer graphics (circa: theDIRE STRAITS video "Money For Nothing") which correspond to the announcement. Inaddition, it should be scratchy, with skips, like it's been shown foryears—

WE SEE: Klieg lights waving madly, pull in to ...

GIANT THEATRE MARQUEE with the title: "TONIGHT'S FEATURE-LENGTH MOVING PICTURE!"

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Congratulations, you're attending our feature filmpresentation! This theatre has been voted the most polite theatre in America forfive years running! Please adhere to our strict standards of conduct foreveryone's enjoyment! Remember, no talking or chitchat during the film. Pleaseturn off all beepers for the duration of the movie! When enjoying refreshments,chew with your mouth closed and daub your lips with freshly laundered kerchiefs!Gentlemen, bow when a lady passes. Ladies, curtsy when a man passes ... gas.Please refrain from soiling our bathrooms with your waste. Bathrooms are openfor viewing five minutes before the movie, and five minutes after. When leavingthe theatre please head straight home, do not stop to talk to strangers,friends, or family. Upon arriving home, lock and bolt your door. Sever alltelephone lines, and board windows. Kill your spouse and leave their brains outon the front porch for the zombies to eat. Then, kneel beside your bed and prayto me, and I'll come to you in the night to tell you how to live. Now, sit back,and enjoy this feature-length moving picture presentation! Light up thosecigarettes and start talkiiiiiinnng nowww!!!

DIP TO BLACK

MUSIC: Tense suspense theme, building

OPEN ON: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD

Shot with hi-def, handheld, VIDEO. We are in a small group of looky-loo TOURISTSwatching a scene from a movie being shot.

There is a camera crane above the scene of a spaceship which has crashed and isgiving off smoke. A small mob of NERDY-LOOKING GUYS mill about. The DIRECTOR,sitting in a set chair with the name "Famous Mortimer," starts the scene.

DIRECTOR Okay, everybody in place? Okay, let's make this really intense. And ...action!

The NERD MOB wave sticks, scream, and attack some unseen VICTIMS.

NERDS Kill 'em! Get 'em!

The crane rises over this mob scene, and when it gets to its maximum height, theDirector steps up.

DIRECTOR Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!

The crew applauds. The tourists disperse ... we pick out Bob and David from thetourist crowd and lead them as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard.

BOB Wow, David, huh?

DAVID Yeah, Bob, movie magic!

BOB (looking around)

Where?

DAVID Right there, what we just saw.

BOB Oh. Yeah.

Bob talks to camera.

BOB (CONT'D) Hello, I'm Bob.

DAVID Oh, hi, I'm David.

BOB We're here in Hollywood, California, to make a movie. You might recognize usfrom your TV set.

Bob waves to a TOURIST and his WIFE.

ANGLE ON: Tourist

TOURIST Keep it movin' honey, a pansy just hit on me.

DAVID Anyway we're both very excited to make a movie for you. Hey man, what'sour movie about?

BOB That'll take care of itself. First thing we need is money. Let's startthinking about product placement.

A TEENAGER on a skateboard screeches to halt in front of Bob and David.

BOB AND DAVID Whoa!

DAVID What's up, kiddo?

TEENAGER (into camera)

You guys are cool, but the coolest thing on two wheels is the new Flo-Textampon.

He holds up a brightly labeled box.

BOB Aren't tampons for women?

TEENAGER That's what you think, old man! I've got that fresh, easy feeling rightnow.

DAVID Wow! I want that, too!

TEENAGER You'll have to skate me for it!

He skates away, and a jingle plays.

JINGLE SINGER (V.O.) Flo-tex for meeeeennn ...

Freshness for aaaaalllll....

Flo-Tex tampons fall from the sky on happy Bob and David.

ANGLE ON: Abe Lincoln

ABE LINCOLN Ask not what a tampon can do for you ... but what Flo-tex can do fora tampon!

ANGLE ON: David

DAVID Now in apricot!

MUSIC: Commercial Theme ends

Resume Bob and David on the street, natural sounds, handheld look, etc.

BOB So how much did we make for that?

DAVID (putting wad of bills in pocket)

We're set, we got our dough.

BOB Great. So let's make the movie!

ANGLE ON: David, he is standing in front of a poster for a dumb movie calledStupid and Stinky-er which features two retarded characters (Bob andDavid), teeth blocked out, one smelling the other's fart and smiling. Davidrants in front of this image.

DAVID Bob, they don't just let you "make" a movie. You can't just go out therewith no original idea, nothing to say, and no talent to not say it with and makea movie.

BOB Of course not, David, I never—

DAVID You have to fill out a form first.

BOB Oh.

DAVID Come on ...

They turn and enter a nondescript DMV-type building.

BOB AND DAVID APPLY FOR MOVIE

SIGN: "Hollywood Town Hall"

INT. CITY OFFICE

MUSIC: Muzak, atmosphere

Bob and David enter and look around. The place is crowded like a DMV. VariousHOLLYWOOD TYPES wait in line. A JANITOR notices them all disoriented.

JANITOR (by rote)

If you got a comedy follow the blue line, if it's a drama, yellow line,documentary is out back behind the Dumpster.

The three windows are marked: Drama, Comedy, Indie.

BOB Blue line.

ANGLE ON: The COMEDY window. CARLOTTA, a black lady clerk, is listening to KevinSmith, and thoughtlessly leafing through his latest script.

CARLOTTA Okay Mr. Kevin Smith, good to see you again.

KEVIN Thanks. I can't wait to make another film.

CARLOTTA Okay. Do you have any stars in it?

KEVIN SMITH I'm trying to get Shannon Elizabeth.

CARLOTTA So ... I'll put that down as a "no." How about special effects?

KEVIN SMITH No, no, it's total low-budget.

CARLOTTA Mm-hm. I don't know ... has it got farts in it?

KEVIN Well, it's sort of a "farce," I guess ...

CARLOTTA No, "farts." T-S.

KEVIN SMITH (very positive)

Oh, yeah! Big fart sequence.

CARLOTTA You got it, honey. Here's your slip. Get your essentials and I'll stampit for ya.

She hands him a slip and he exits, happily. JAMIE KENNEDY steps up to thewindow.

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Jamie Kennedy, what have you cooked up for me this time?

JAMIE (excited)

Okay, my movie is called Invisible Dude, about a guy who turns invisiblewhen he gets nervous.

She doesn't respond.

JAMIE (CONT'D) And ... he likes this girl, has to conquer his problem, but thenon his wedding day right before he's about to get married, his fiancée tells himher parents hate ... invisible people.

Carlotta tries to hold back laughter, but busts up.

CARLOTTA Jamie Kennedy, you did it again! Hilarious! And pointed! Very welldone!

JAMIE Thank you.

She hands him a blue slip.

CARLOTTA Here's your blue slip, go fill it out, get your things, and come backand I'll stamp it. Next!

Bob and David step up to her window.

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Who are you and what's your movie?

BOB We're Bob and David. We want to make a funny movie.

CARLOTTA What's it about?

DAVID All kinds of stuff. Just the funniest stuff we got.

BOB Just funny, y'know?

CARLOTTA You got any stars attached?

BOB Uhh ... no, just us.

She laughs.

DAVID So if you'll just give us one of those slips, then we'll get on our way.

CARLOTTA No. Not today. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on break.

She puts a sign reading "I'm on (cartoon of a guy with a bloody broken leg)" andwalks away toward the break room.

BOB Dammit.

DAVID All right, well, let's go drinkin'.

BOB (angry)

No, David! Look, do you want to go back to shining camels' asses at theracetrack?

CUT TO:

EXT. RACE TRACK, STABLES

A horse with a warming blanket over him stands in a stable behind TRAINERwearing a fedora, suit. As the Trainer talks to camera, Bob and David walk by inthe background, covered in slop, carrying buckets ("Tekmans Camel Shine") andrags.

GRAPHIC: "Jim Whitten, Trainer, RoseThorn Horse Track"

TRAINER The horses like to have a companion, a goat, a dog, keep 'em company.That's why we got Chip the camel over there.

INTERVIEWER Yes, but why do you have those guys shine her behind?

TRAINER Hm?

The Trainer turns to see Bob and David.

TRAINER (CONT'D) Hey! Hey you two, get the hell outta here!

The Trainer chases Bob and David.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. DMV TYPE ROOM—PRESENT

David, having this memory.

DAVID Well yeah, eventually.

BOB That's what I'm talking about. But we gotta prove ourselves first. Now we'regetting that slip and we're making our movie.

They both look to the "break room" in back.

INT. BREAK ROOM

A sad, shitty institutional break room; Formica table, folding chairs, wrapperslittered about. Carlotta is by the vending machine, punching buttons.

Bob and David enter.

BOB Give us one of those slips that you gave those other guys. Now.

CARLOTTA Excuse me? This is the break room. Employees only.

She puts some more coins in and carefully selects her item. David wants to go,but Bob won't budge.

BOB Dammit, you ... give us that slip.

CARLOTTA Don't you threaten me! Damn ...

She is preoccupied with the vending machine, pressing and re-pressing the samebuttons. Finally we hear her item fall and get lodged in the machine exit chute.

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Oh ... geez.

She hits the machine.

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Come on, cookie, drop for Momma ...

ANGLE ON: Digital readout: 28 seconds ...

VENDING MACHINE VOICE (British feminine voice)

You have twenty-eight seconds before the vending chute is closed ...

(STARTING RIGHT HERE we go to LETTERBOX "ANAMORPHIC" framing)

ANGLE ON: DAVID

MUSIC: Scored, suspense

DAVID Are you having trouble with your cookie?

ANGLE ON: the trapped cookie, an "AUNT GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATEY DOUBLE CHIP DELITE"hanging in the chute.

ANGLE ON: Carlotta, beads of sweat on her brow. Reaching up the chute in vain.

CARLOTTA It's my favorite cookie ... the last one ... (tears come to her eyes)

My wrists ... too big-boned ...

VENDING MACHINE VOICE T-minus twenty seconds to chute closure.

CARLOTTA Oh, Jesus and St. Lucifer come to my aid in this time of great need ...

ANGLE ON: Her fat wrist in the vending tunnel. She will never reach the cookie.Suddenly, appearing beside her wrist is a white-skinned, thin wrist.

David has knelt down beside her and is reaching for the cookie.

DAVID Excuse me, ma'am, let me try.

VENDING MACHINE VOICE T-minus fifteen seconds to chute closure.

David reaches for the cookie, and ... he has it!

Carlotta breathes a sigh of relief.

CARLOTTA Oh, thank you ... why you have the magic hands of a little white girl;or a gay.

David holds the cookie in its place in the chute.

DAVID Give us one of those slips and you get your cookie.

Carlotta can't believe his audacity, holding her cookie hostage!

VENDING MACHINE VOICE Eight seconds to closure. seven—six—five ...

Countdown continues through the remainder—

CARLOTTA But, I just, it's my break, I ...

David releases the cookie, but holds his hand there, ready to grab it again.Cornered, Carlotta pulls out a blue slip and hands it to Bob. David snatches thecookie, and yanks his arm out of the machine, and we see a metallic multilayeredshield that could rip your arm off, snap shut.

David hands her the cookie. She begins eating greedily. Bob and David celebrate.

BOB Awesome!

DAVID We got it!

(DROP ANAMORPHIC FRAMING)

MUSIC: Suspense scoring ends.

CARLOTTA (O.C.) Well, that ain't all you need, honey.

DAVID What?

Carlotta slowly eats her cookie and coyly teases the guys—she has theupper hand.

CARLOTTA The blue slip is worthless without it gets stamped.

She holds up a stamp. The room darkens, except a ray of light which hits herhand holding the stamp.

Music: Ominous, Lord of the Rings-ey

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) You just like everybody else. You need to get a few thingsfirst.

DAVID What things?

CARLOTTA First thing—you need to get your physicals. Got to be in tip-topshape for moviemaking! Next you need a concept, an idea, fish outta water ormaybe just rip off ol' Harry Potter. Then you need you a star to shine sobright, and give your film an opening night. A lock of hair from a Producer,some famous grease from a Hollywood shmoozer. Lastly, approval from the Mayor ofHollywood, you get that, baby, and you got it good.

DAVID The Mayor of Hollywood?!

Carlotta points to an oil painting of a grizzled old dude smoking a cigar, THEMAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.

CARLOTTA You have until five p.m. tonight, after that, the effects of thiscookie wear off and I forget all about you.

She finishes the cookie and gives a self-satisfied chuckle.

CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Thanks for the cookie, cookie.

She exits.

DAVID (looking at watch)

Shit, Bob, it's already noon. We've got a lot to do.

RINGLORD OF THE STARS

Bob and David are walking down Hollywood Blvd.

DAVID I've always dreamed of making a movie so I could see what all the fuss isabout.

BOB What do you mean "all the fuss" ... you've seen movies, right?

DAVID Does porno count?

Bob shakes his head "No." Then David shakes his head "no." Then Bob shakes hishead "no" again.

BOB Let's go ...

They head off, past a KOREAN STREET VENDOR with a foldout table loaded withvideocassettes and DVDs.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR Number one films! All films! Originals! Cheap!

A PEDESTRIAN stops by the table and peruses.

PEDESTRIAN What have you got here?

KOREAN STREET VENDOR I got all number one films. Originals. You buy them. Befirst to own. DVD or video, I don't care, you buy whichever, I don't care.

PEDESTRIAN Let's see ... (reading the names)

Star Battles, Star Battles 2: The Return of Yodi, The Lord of DeepRing,SpiderFriend ... I don't know, man, something's fishy here.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR No! No fish! DVDs, videos! You buy, take home, watch,laugh, cry, rethink life, maybe make different choices in future—

PEDESTRIAN No, these are all cheap knockoffs.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR No! All originals!

A DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER steps up, waving a videotape.

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER Hey man, you ripped me off.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR What?

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER This is not the original.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR What you buy?

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II. Uh—Iwasn't paying attention, and I'm not very smart, so I was tricked by you.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR No—it is original! You look, I show you! No returns!Top quality!

The vendor pops the tape into a crappy monitor with a VHS machine propped up onmilk crates behind him. He presses Play and we go FULL SCREEN with the craptitle sequence to The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II.

(NOTE: The following "film" is shot on film, then projected in a real theatre,and reshot with handheld video.)

GRAPHIC: The title, cut off at both sides, too big for the screen.

MUSIC: Grandiose, orchestral ... but also, clearly done by one guy on hissynthesizer ... in a basement in Beijing

The scenes we are about to see are all dubbed in Korean, but we will write themand shoot them in English, because ... you'll see.

OPEN ON: Establishing shots—

EXT. A FOREST

EXT. A MOUNTAINSIDE

EXT. A CUTE HUT

What I am writing are all shitty English subtitles ... because we are hearing itin Korean, remember?

FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.) One time there was a ring. This ring was mad if you weremad. And nice if you were nice. So, no mad person should ever wear it on theirfinger-hand.

We hear the singing voices of little people.

Camera passes through a bush to reveal a group of guys in elf costumes, all ontheir knees, in a circle, singing. The audio track clicks, jumps, and ishorrible.

ELVES All is well in Glooby-town, life is fun when you're a Glooby. We will singand dance all day, and drink muffet tea by the robot friend.

They continue singing and reveal ARTIE-BLEEP-BLOOP, a squarish R2-D2 robot whichis clearly a midget in a trash can, dancing around and blooping and bleeping.(His face is cut out in a clumsy, amateur effect.)

ROBOT I love you all. I am your robot friend. We are friends forever. True lovealways. Look out, evil is all around.

EXT. RIDGE

Rising over the ridge comes our film's cheapo Darth Vader: "DEATH RAIDER" with aflowing robe (it's Paul Tompkins on Jay Johnston's shoulders, with a battinghelmet, and an intercom taped to his mouth, and ski goggles). He wears a paperplate with macaroni painted black as a chest plate.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from Hollywood Said No! by David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Posehn. Copyright © 2013 David Cross Bob Odenkirk Brian Posehn. Excerpted by permission of Grand Central Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.



----------------------