God bless my wife, she always calms me down. As Iâ€™m looking through our mail this morning, she says, â€œYouâ€™re going to see something youâ€™re not going to like.â€ And I say, â€œReally? What?â€ She pauses, gives me a knowing look, and says, â€œJust use it in your comedy.â€ I start thumbing through the mail. I have received a catalog from the good people at Living XL. Itâ€™s a catalog for fat people who want to stay fat and enjoy themselves. The message is, basically, â€œDonâ€™t lose weight. No, no, no. All the problems that you normally have with being fatâ€"weâ€™ve got a solution.â€ How do they know to send me a catalog? Do they have a list of fat celebrities?
I open it up. The first product on offer is a three-wheel bike with a five-hundred-pound capacity. As I look at this contraption, Iâ€™m wondering how many five-hundred-pound people are sitting aroundâ€"well, they are obviously sitting or maybe lying aroundâ€"but how many of them are sitting around thinking, I so want to go biking. I just donâ€™t have the opportunity. I weigh 450. If only there was a bike that could hold my weight. Then Iâ€™d have no excuse.
Next up, fat ponchos. Because we know the regular poncho is so slimming. Has anyone ever put on a poncho and said, â€œThis is not freeing enough?â€ I guess the only way this thought would cross your mind is if youâ€™re a really fat woman and youâ€™re wearing a muumuu underneath your oversized poncho. Poncho and muumuu, sounds like a new cop show.
The next page features a lawn mowerâ€"handle extender. I donâ€™t know what that has to do with being fat. Wait a second; it must be to allow extra room for your stomach! Thatâ€™s probably it.
Now how about one of those chairs you bring to a kidâ€™s soccer game, except this oneâ€™s got an eight-hundred-pound capacity. How many eight-hundred pounders do you see out in society? It must be for a four-hundred pounder, whoâ€™s got a four-hundred-pound girlfriend who wants to sit on his lap. How about a 650-pound-capacity sand chair. How many 650-pound people do you see at the beach? Do you ever? No! Theyâ€™re at home. They canâ€™t leave.
What else? Okay, hereâ€™s a hammock with a six-hundred-pound capacity. Now, I donâ€™t care what you weigh, getting on and off a hammock is quite difficult. I donâ€™t care if you weigh 150, hammock mobility is hard for everyone. So youâ€™re six hundred pounds. The odds of you getting on that hammock are so slight. Youâ€™re going to be on the ground. Youâ€™re six hundred poundsâ€"once you do get on youâ€™re never getting off. So itâ€™s good that it supports your weight, because youâ€™re never getting up again.
Letâ€™s see here, next is the big key computer keyboard. Because Lord knows, your fingers are so fat, a typical computer keyboardâ€™s not going to work for you.
Hereâ€™s one with a great name. Itâ€™s the Pride XL Mobility Chair. I read the description and learn that when you press a button on the chair, instead of having to get up, the chair lifts you up. And yet they call it the Pride Mobility Chair. I think one of the first things about being a proud person is that you can stand up on your own. Iâ€™m not talking about someone in a wheelchair or someone who was in an accident. Iâ€™m talking about when you really donâ€™t have a reason for not being able to stand up yourself. They should call it the Embarrassment Mobility Chair. Or the Youâ€™ve Hit Rock Bottom Mobility Chair. Or even the You Should Be Ashamed Mobility Chair.
Next up is something youâ€™ve probably seen in commercials. And to me, this is so horrible and wrong . . . itâ€™s the Living XL Wearable Sleeves Blanket. Now, how many times have you covered yourself in a blanket, and then thought, I canâ€™t get up! I canâ€™t maneuver; if only I had sleeves! Itâ€™s only a matter of time until you see someone wearing this thing at the grocery store to keep warm while perusing the frozen foods aisle.
My God, theyâ€™ve got toilets! All right, hereâ€™s one: a toilet seat thatâ€™s called the Big John toilet seat. And